Snow White SGC Style!
by Sarah74656
Summary: Yet another fairytale parody! Hopefully you're not feeling bored of them just yet...
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: If you're familiar with my fairytale stories then you'll know what to expect here. If not, or if you read this and want more, try Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and my current WiP; Robin Hood. _

_Remember, R&R, it's good for the soul!_

* * *

Hello everyone and welcome to 'Snow White - SGC Style', brought to you courtesy of MGM, ShowTime, Gecko Productions and the Sci-Fi channel. We hope that you are sitting comfortably to enjoy today's show and that you have taken the opportunity to purchase the terrible over-priced sweets with noisy wrappers and soft drinks from our conveniently positioned stalls before entering the auditorium. 

"Excuse me?"  
Um, sorry?  
"I said excuse me. What is this - a promotional ad break or something?"  
I'm only trying to do my job here.  
"Well try harder! What happened to the old narrator anyway?"  
Well, as I was about to say before I was so rudely interrupted... Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances our regular narrator is unavailable this evening. Luckily a replacement has stepped in to save the day.  
"The replacement is you, isn't it?"  
How ever did you guess?  
"Female intuition."  
Really.  
"Oh yes. This is going to be great."  
Sorry? What was that?  
"Nothing."  
Oh good. So sit back, relax and enjoy the show!  
"I can hardly wait..."


	2. Chapter 2

Once upon a time in a land far, far away-  
"Oh grief. You know she's a rookie, huh?"  
What now?  
"Oh for cryin out loud... Just skip to the part where the story starts, OK."  
Sure, whatever.

So anyway, there lived a man called Jacob Carter. Together with his wife they lived in a big castle and were very happy except for one thing - they had no children. So Mrs Carter wished every day-  
"Mrs Carter?  
Yup, that's right.  
"Don't I even get a first name?"  
Sorry, no. You're only in the prologue - you're not around long enough to qualify for a first name.  
"Damn."  
Yeah, well, you win some, you lose some. So she wished every day for a baby daughter with hair as yellow as the desert sands, eyes as blue as the deep blue sea and lips as red as the red, red rose. She even thought of wishing for snow white skin, but then she realised that was just plain stupid.  
"I did?"  
You did. After all - who has white skin? If you've got white skin then you're either wearing way too much foundation or you're six foot under.  
"Fair point. And I wouldn't want my baby to to be born with terrible sense in make up, would I?"  
Um, no, I guess not. So eventually her wish was granted and baby Sam was born.  
"Waaaah!"  
Aww... cute. However, unfortunately Mrs Carter died soon after.  
"Aww damn."  
I said you weren't around for long. Believe in the narrator. So Jacob had to re-marry for the sake of the story and little baby Sam.

Unfortunately and in the world's biggest co-incidence there was only one single woman left in the whole kingdom - the evil Anise!  
"Not again."  
Sorry Jacob. So they married and then soon after-  
"Oh no! I'm gonna snuff it again aren't I?"  
'Fraid so. Sorry.  
"Damn."  
Quite. So soon afterwards he died, leaving Sam to grow up as servant and general do-this, do-that girl for the evil Anise and her equally evil daughters; Kinseyella and Simmonsella.


	3. Chapter 3

Years went by and Sam grew up working hard without receiving any thanks for her slaving. She still found time to dream of her prince that would hopefully show up one day in an unnerving strike of happy co-incidence though (but that could have been partly to annoy her step-sisters when she turned up late with their laundry). Everyone loved beautiful Sam except the evil Anise, Simmonsella and Kinseyella of course (but they were evil after all and so obviously have bad judgement).  
"Hey! That's unfair characterisation!"  
You're the one in a dress Simmonsella. So anyway one day the evil Anise sent Simmonsella and Kinseyella to a prince convention to try and find anyone that would marry them. Unfortunately there was no-one there who was short-sighted enough to want them, but they did take pictures of Prince Jack. Prince Jack was the local royal heart-throb, the prince that everyone woman wanted to marry. This was not to be however, as Prince Jack insisted he was waiting for a sign before he would marry. Anyway, Sam got quite upset because the evil Anise wouldn't let her go and take her own pictures of Prince Jack.  
"She's just so mean"  
I know. But never mind.  
"Yeah, someday my prints will come."  
Oh god - that's a really bad pun!  
"I try."

So anyway this whole non-marryable daughter thing really upset the evil Anise so she went to her magic mirror to regain her self-esteem.  
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's got the lowest cleavage of them all?"  
And they say you're shallow.  
"Evil Anise, you have the lowest cleavage of them all! But Sam is starting to get to be more beautiful, if you're interested."  
"No! That cannot be!"  
"Sorry queenie, but that's the way it is I'm afraid."  
"Really? Curses."

And once again we see why this is a PG rated story.

"Right, we'll see about that. Where is huntsman Joe?"  
"I am Huntsman Joe your evilness, I am here."

And the clichés pile up.

"Joe! Take Sam into the forest and kill her and bring he my heart back to me in this box so I know you've done it."  
"Umm, no offence, but wouldn't it make more sense to do it yourself so that you know it's been done?"  
"Quiet! I'm the brains around here! Now go and kill Sam!"  
"Whatever you say, your cruel-and-heartlessness."

So huntsman Joe and his accompanying clichés took Sam into the forest to do the evil deed. Unfortunately Sam was even more beautiful than the evil Anise had realised and huntsman Joe had developed a really big crush on her.  
"I can't do it Sam! I can't kill you! I love you Sam, I really do!"  
"Umm, oh. Sorry, but ew."

And so Sam ran off and left huntsman Joe standing bemused and rejected in the middle of the forest. Finally he decided to go back to the evil Anise, but he couldn't report his failure so he killed a pig and took that heart back in the box instead. Meanwhile Sam wandered through the forest and eventually came across a smallish cottage.  
"Hello! Anyone home?"  
I don't think so. Just go on in.  
"Isn't that like breaking and entering?"  
I'll let you off, just this once.  
"Thanks."  
You're welcome. So Sam went in and found it to be a terrible mess.  
"Ew! What a mess!"  
Well do something about it then dear! Don't just stand there gawping and whining!  
"Alright."

So Sam called rent-a-clean and once they'd tidied up and left she discovered that she could actually see the floor.  
"Wow! It's a floor!"  
Quite.  
"Hey, there's seven chairs!"  
How very interesting.  
"And seven cups, and seven beds, and seven spoons, and seven-"  
OK, I think we get the point.  
"Seven people must live here!"  
Have a carrot dear, well done.  
"Thanks."  
You're welcome. So then Sam realised that running through the forest to get away from hunstamn Joe had actually tired her out quite a bit and she went to sleep draped across three of the seven beds despite the fact that she would have easily fit into one of them had she thought to try. Just then the inhabitants of the cottage arrived home.  
"Lucy, I'm home."  
"No-one called Lucy lives here Teal'c."  
"Of that I am aware, DanielJackson. And my name is not Teal'c, it is Stoic. As yours is Clumsy I do believe."  
"Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me. Like I could forget. I mean, I'm not clumsy, am I? It's not like I walk around everywhere bumping into things. Anyone would think I- Ouch!"  
"Have you just stubbed your toe, Clumsy?"  
"Don't say a word. Just don't say a word."

And such an organised and charasmatic group of inhabitants they are too.

"We do try."  
I'm sure you do. So they went inside and saw Sam lying there. However they made quite a racket, and so Sam woke up.  
"Hey! Can't a girl get a decent few minutes sleep around here without people walking around and yelling all the time?"  
Well it is their house.  
"Argh! Not-so-little people!"  
Now be polite dear.  
"Um, right. Yeah. Hi, I'm Sam. Who are you?"  
"Hi Sam. We're the seven not-quite dwarves! I'm Doc and I hate wearing this itchy white beard."  
Aw hush Janet and get on with it!  
"Yeah, ok. This is Stoic, Clumsy, Powermad-"  
"Hey, is that Apophis? What's he doing with the good guys?"  
"Plot device apparently. You know the way these things go - I'm sure he'll have some ludicrous use or other before the end."  
"Yeah. Sorry - you were introducing."  
"I was? Oh yeah, right. Then there's Balding and Short'n' Grey."  
"Isn't that Hammond and Thor?"  
"Yeah, but don't mention it too loud. The narrator doesn't like it."  
You're darn tooting I don't!  
"But why not?"  
Because... well... it's just not scripted!  
"And that makes all the difference. So who's the one hiding behind the sofa?"  
"Oh that's Graham."  
"Graham? That's not a very not-quite-dwarfish name is it?"  
"Well no. They were going to give him a better one, but they decided he doesn't really play a big enough part in the narrative you see."  
"Poor thing."  
"Yeah. He's still got that crush on you, you know."  
"Really. That's nice, really. So what now?"  
"Um, we sit and wait for the narrative to move on."  
"Ah. And when's that going to happen?"


	4. Chapter 4

Now actually. So when the evil Anise realised that Sam wasn't dead after all (that magic mirror isn't as thick as it looks) she got quite mad.  
"I'm mad!"  
I never would have guessed. So she went down into her lab and made a poisoned apple with her doohickeys to put Sam into an enchanted sleep that only true love's first kiss could break.  
"Mwhahaha!"  
Um, yeah. Right.  
"Now I shall put on a disguise that she'll never recognise me in."  
Yeah Anise you're right - she's never seen you with a shapeless old jumper and old joggers on before!  
"Are you insinuating something?"  
Never. So the evil Anise took her apple and donned her charity shop outfit and went off to find the little cottage where Sam was hiding. Luckily for her she'd just had the global posistioning system installed and so it really didn't take long at all before she found the place and was knocking at the door. Unfortuneately for Sam the not-quite-dwarves had just popped out to get some spare batteries so she was on her own and had to answer the door herself.  
"Hello?"  
"Hello dearie. I'm collecting for Oxfam - do you want an apple?"  
Oh yeah. That's a really convincing cover story.  
"You're giving away apples?"  
"Yes dearie. As an incentive to give money to the poor orphans."  
"Well I'll give you some money but I'll pass on the apple thanks."  
"But... but... why not?"  
"I'm allergic, sorry."  
Now you're in trouble.  
"No, I'm not! Like all good evil-doers I have a plan B!"  
Oh dear. Is that a frying pan?  
"And enchanted frying pan I'll have you know. It makes all the difference."  
Right. So the evil Anise clobbered Sam over the head with the enchanted frying pand and ran off, leaving Sam unconcsious on the floor.  
"Erk."  
Quite. Now soon afterwards the not-quite-dwarves returned and saw Sam lying on the floor.  
"Out of my way - I'm a doctor!"  
Well yes you are - that's why you're called 'Doc' isn't it?  
"Really? Is that why?"  
You're so quick it's scary. So, how is she?  
"She's in an enchanted sleep that can only be broken by love's first kiss."  
But she was hit by a frying pan!  
"And enchanted frying pan. It makes all the difference."  
So I've heard. So the not-quite-dwarves put Sam in a pretty casket with flowers and put ads in the local paper for any available princes. Then they went to get revenge on the evil Anise and her equally evil daughters.  
"Ooooh, I'm scared."  
And so you should be. Three's seven of them and only three of you.  
"Oh heck."  
Quite. So now you're in trouble.  
"Arrrggghhhhh!"  
Go Graham! Get Simmonsella! Woohoo!  
"Does this qualify me for a realy name?"  
Well, I guess so. Go Dopey!  
"Oh great. That's just what I asked for."  
Aw just get Simmonsella will you?  
"Erk."  
One down.  
"Get here Kinseyella! We'll show you retribution for all those times you were mean to Jack!"  
You go Stoic and Clumsy! But Clumsy, mind the-  
"Oomph."  
Never mind. So with the evil daughters out of the way only the evil Anise herself remained. Short'n'Grey treid punching her but it didn't work; he was too small.  
"Mwahahaha!"  
Balding treid next, but he was too big!  
"Mwahahaha!"  
"What is this anyway? Goldilocks invades Snow White?"  
Hush. So then the not-quite-dwarves released the last weapon in their arsenal - PowerMad!  
"I knew it! I knew he'd be a plot device! Didn't I say so Sam? Oh wait, she's unconsious."  
"I am Apophis! You will bow before me! I will take you as my queen!"  
"Aha! I think not! I am Tok'ra, and that means you can't take me as your host."  
Oh, yeah, sorry Anise, but I forgot to mention. It's sort of like this, well, um, you're not a Tok'ra anymore.  
"What? Why not?"  
Because I say not and I have the red pen?  
"Uh oh."  
Quite. So PowerMad ran off with Anise to start an evil empire in a galaxy far, far away and the 6 remaining not-quite-dwarves returned home. When they got there they discovered that Prince Jack had answered their ad (apparently that was the sort of sign he'd been looking for) and had gone and woken Sam up by administering mouth to mouth.  
"That's love's first kiss to you."  
Really? It looks more like love's twentieth to me.  
"Details, details."  
Hmm, I suppose. So Prince Jack and Sam rode off into the sunset and married soon after (this meant that Sam finally got a last name). Balding decided that being a not-quite-dwarf wasn't for him and joined the Airforce with Doc. Clumsy and Stoic went to Las Vegas and perform every Thursday night in the Egyptian nightclub there doing Abydonian stand-up. Short'n'Grey returned to the Asguard where he retired. Graham made an official protest about his dwarf-name situation, but it fell through. He can now be found as the president of 'Sams Anonymous' under the name of X. 

We hope that you enjoyed todays show and will come back soon for more exciting adventures with SG-1. Please watch your step and deposit all trash in the appropriate recepticles on your way out. Have a nice day!


End file.
